Difficult Days

We all have those days where nothing goes right. We look up to the sky and wonder why everything had to cave in on one day.

I’ve had many of these days lately. Each time I think, WOW! Hopefully the craziness is about over and I can have time to breathe soon!

I had one of those days yesterday. And the worst part of the day was that it confirmed my fears. The craziness won’t be over for a very long time.

Baby’s heart is seriously damaged. Without going into too many details, she will have to go through at least 3 major heart surgeries by the time she is 2, and has a real chance of having to have a heart transplant someday. Her first surgery will be within her first week after delivery, and she will be in the hospital for 1 to 2 months. Her second surgery will be at about 4 months, and her third between 15 months and 2 years.

She probably won’t be able to eat without a feeding tube until after her second surgery, but there is a chance that she could eat with a bottle before that, but it’s small.

20% of babies like her go to meet Jesus by the second surgery.

I’m shaking even as I realize all of this. At some moments, it slaps me in the face and I fall apart. At other moments, I’m in complete denial and just try to pretend that everything is normal.

I have moments, very real moments, where I wonder if I can handle this. A few months ago I was worried about handling being the working mom of 4 children and postpartum baby blues. Now, I’d give anything to just have to worry about something so… regular.

I’m still not asking God why. I’m sure I will someday soon. I’m just a sure though, that there won’t be an answer. Not one that I can understand though.

I’m still trusting God. I think sometimes you get to the point where there is nothing to do BUT trust Him.

To round out my very difficult day, the Genesis contest results were announced, and I didn’t final. It’s funny how petty and silly worrying about something like a writing contest seems to me right now. Yes, I’m bummed, but baby puts into perspective just how inconsequential it really is to not final. That said, I’m still anxious to see my scores and get the feedback. I’m still glad I entered. In fact, over at The Writer’s Alleys, we’re having a blog party to celebrate EVERYONE who entered.

I’d also like to take a second to THANK you all for praying for my little baby. Your thoughts and prayers mean the world to me, and I really do feel them.