Fast Forward another 2 years
I shared a little of this on my blog… but I know I was probably vague in a lot of ways.
the last 2 years have not been easy. I KNOW everyone thinks, “Oh,
Annabelle’s HOME… She’s BETTER!” But Krista had (has) issues.
And talking to a lot of other heart Momma’s, it’s a SUPER common problem.
first year was a nightmare. I loved my daughter being home, but I
freaked out at every cough. I lived in fear daily of messing up her
crazy number of medications (20 different kinds… up to 4 times a day). I hauled around O2 tanks just certain that I
was a walking bomb and would blow everything up. And I felt just this
very, very large oppressive burden on my shoulders. Yes, Yes, lean on God. I KNEW that. But my heart was weary. I was tired, I was
overwhelmed, and I was guilty for not feeling as elated as I knew I
So many people reminded me to look at life in perspective. Things were so much BETTER than what they had been in the hospital.
My perspective though, as WRONG as I know it was?
the hospital… there were a billion people who knew exactly what they
were doing. If Annabelle got in trouble, one shout from Mommy brought a
barrage of help.
At home… I was surrounded by kids
and was afraid if I called 911, the EMT would come and be like, “Uh,
crazy lady, your daughter just has gas. Stop calling us.”
did not help that she almost died at home just 2 months after getting
there… requiring life flight and ambulance intubation and CPR.
my perspective was that while I LOVED being home and wouldn’t trade the
hospital for anything… Mommy was going to have a mental breakdown
before it got better.
And a few times, I was very, very close. Closer than I’d like to admit.
But I heard this fabulous song on the radio last year. “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North.
A few lines:
I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing (this reminds me of Annabelle! Breathing for her was HARD WORK!)
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And then the chorus:
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside
can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
YES YES YES!!!
was word for word the cry of my heart. I’m worn, Jesus. I’m tired and
the weight of it all is crushing me. Please let me know there is a
purpose. Please let me know that this ends, that I’ll be able to breath
in the end. Please remind me that you’re sovereign and still up there on
your blessed throne. Please let me know GOOD will come of this. Please,
Jesus. I’m just… so tired. And so very worn.
Fast Forward to Present Day…
(to be continued next Friday… final installment… for now!!)