The other day, I made a dumb mistake. I was REALLY annoyed at myself for it and it impacted other people and man. I just hate mistakes.
As I went through the motions of trying to fix said mistake, I mumbled to myself under my breath, “Krista, you’re so stupid.”
This isn’t necessarily a rare thing for me to say. In fact, I probably say it all the time when I make a dumb mistake.
This time was different though. Our women’s group has been going through Lysa TerKeurst’s Bible Study, “Uninvited” this past month. It’s about how to handle those times when you feel uninvited, rejected, unloved, lonely, etc. I HIGHLY recommend it!
We all have those moments and those things from our past that have shaped our view of ourselves negatively. Dealing with those has been grueling. Many of those scabs it opened were ones I thought healed years ago, but as I sat on my couch going through this study, tears flowed way more than I ever thought they would. Evidently, I wasn’t as “over” it all as I thought.
But one surprising revelation God has shown me through it all is this:
I am my own worst rejector.
I try not to do it “out loud” very much. I’m careful not to because it would break my heart if someone who was struggling with something similar felt I was telling THEM they were stupid, or not good enough, or a failure, or fat, or ugly, or worthless.
So I keep those labels for my private moments, but I’m beginning to see just how damaging it can be.
As I sat there and heard the words “Krista, you’re so stupid.” tumble off my lips with ease in the privacy of my home, my heart that was already a little tender these days flinched.
I took a breath.
I know the “right” answer is to give myself grace.
But dude. I’d totally just blown it and made a big mess of things with my dumb mistake. I guess in some weird way I had a need to punish myself? What was I supposed to do, say, “Krista, you’re so smart. GREAT JOB for screwing things up!!!!!!” Uh, yeah. No.
I won’t sit here and tell you I have the magic answer as to how to make this go away.
But this Bible verse came to mind today that I REALLY like and I think is applicable.
“…Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.” Romans 12:3b-5
If you haven’t read the book of Romans lately, I highly recommend. ALL the verses around this are just SO SO SO good.
But in my Bible, I have written beside “Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves” the words “both GOOD AND BAD.”
“Krista, you are stupid” is not an honest evaluation of myself. God did not make me stupid. That is a lie, pure and simple.
But “Krista, you are the most brilliant person on the planet” is not an honest evaluation of myself either.
Being honest means getting outside the emotional icky-ness of my feelings and trying to look at myself from an outside perspective. From God’s perspective.
I, like every other human being, have strengths and weaknesses.
So I thought I’d do a little exercise here. Replace those false images with honest ones.
Krista is not stupid–but sometimes she makes stupid mistakes because she’s human.
Krista is not a failure–but sometimes she fails. She is pretty dang good at lifting a hand to Jesus and letting him help her back up again after she falls on her booty.
Krista is not a horrible writer–she is gifted by God to write in the voice she has. She can get better–we can ALL improve and learn more and grow deeper in our gifts. But she isn’t defined by book sales or book reviews or what others tell her or what she tells herself. God gave her the gift, and the gift is good. Period.
Krista is not fat–but she could definitely benefit from laying off the Dr. Pepper a little, eating healthier, and exercising more.
Krista is not ugly–she is made in the image of God. GOD DOES NOT MAKE UGLY.
Krista is not worthless–her life was bought with the blood of the Lamb. She is priceless.
Anyone want to get real today? What are some of the negative things you tell yourself? How can you change that around to be an honest evaluation of yourself?
Thanks for the honesty and vulnerability! I needed to read this today!