A week and a half ago, on a Monday, I had a particularly low day.
I won’t go into a lot of details, but yeah. It was just a tough day.
The last 4 and a half years have been filled with some crazy roller coasters (the wildest of the ride being the first two years or so.)
Sometimes, it feels like I’ve been broken. That God has, for some reason, allowed me to be beaten up and thrown to the ground.
Most days, I’m okay with that. I’ve always loved the analogy that sometimes you have to “break” things in order for them to be put back together, stronger, and correctly. (Think of an arm that has to be rebroken in order for it to be set correctly to heal.)
The problem is… I don’t feel put back together. I don’t feel like my “emotional” bone has ever truly healed. In fact, it feels like every time it starts to mend, the pain starts to subside, something else comes along to rebreak it.
It’s like a big bully that who, when his victim us getting up off the floor, gives him a little kick to send him sprawling again.
It’s just a little kick. It’s not the big punch that sent him crashing to the ground in the first place. But it’s enough to put ya right back down on the ground once again.
That’s what Monday was. Except a bit of a forceful one, because I had been finally feeling that I was kinda sorta getting my bearings again for the first time in a while.
But then on the floor I went again. Broken. Frustrated. And really, really tired.
I was driving the next day, trying to talk to God, but not really knowing what words to say. I told him the above… that I felt like he was breaking me yet again, and if he really needed to, then fine. I would accept that, but he had some putting back together to do, because I was DONE.
And this thought came to me. I’m fairly certain it was from God, because it brought full circle a LOT of things he’s been impressing on my heart lately.
What good does it do to break what is already broken?
Not super insightful, I know. But it was what kept going through my head.
But it made me pause. If God wasn’t trying to break to me with this circumstance, what was He trying to do then?
I kept driving, contemplating this, a new perspective kinda rocking my world. In the past, when life has happened, I’ve taken my hurts, my brokenness, and snuggled up in my Father God’s lap and said, “I can’t do it, you can, I’m just gonna sit here under your amazing wings and let you handle it.”
And sometimes, that’s exactly what God wants us to do. Surrender our burdens to Him.
But God brought another word to me.
Fight? What? Hold on a second. I thought I was to SURRENDER. To lay it all down. To let YOU do the work because, well, my strength is pretty much in the negative right now. You’ve got plenty of it. YOU do it.
Now, a bit of a confession moment here. I’m a fix-it kinda girl. Back in the day, God calling me to take up arms and FIGHT for something would have THRILLED me. But I’ve spent so much time “giving in” to God and letting HIM do the fighting… that I think, maybe, perhaps, somewhere along the line, I stopped “giving in” and started “giving up.”
A remnant of my old self that lays dormant in my heart started to stir. Fight? Really? Are you sure God?
I prayed all the way to into town, asking God to confirm if this is was really HIS words or my own.
And just as I was praying, a song came on the radio. I don’t even remember the name of the song, but the lyrics talked about us being SOLDIERS and to STAND UP in the BATTLE.
My heart stirred even more. I’ve not been standing, y’all. I’ve been sitting down in the name of letting God go before me, but forgetting that I have to FOLLOW too.
Yes, sometimes God wants us to give “in” to him and let him fight the battle for us.
But other times, He tosses us a sword and a shield and says, “Get your butt moving. It’s time to fight. I’ve got ya covered.”
It’s been over a week since God has called me to fight. I haven’t done a fantastic job of it, I’ll admit. I’m rusty as all get out, but it feels good to be trying. It feels good to stand on my own two feet and not let the bully kick me down.
I haven’t won any wars, or even any battles. In fact, I’ve lost a few it seems like! But God is on his throne, and I’m not fighting alone. I’m fighting with HIS strength, not my own. With HIS might, not my own.
And I’m trusting that in the end, we’ll throw down our weapons and dance in the streets with a battle cry the likes of which has never been heard before!
We’re all in different places. Sometimes we’re in a “healing” phase and other times we’re out on the battlefield. Where are you today? Is God calling you to rest in him or take up arms and join the fight?