We talked on Monday a little about “what we wanted to be” when we grew up. I LOVED reading your responses, and more than a few of you mentioned your dream to be a Mommy:-)
I think it’s safe to say that only a handful of us have our childhood dreams about what we want to grow up to be come true. And, I don’t know about you all, but I’m glad many of them didn’t pan out! Me = doctor = a hilarious joke.
We change as we grow up. We get older, wiser, and we can see that what we thought we wanted, wasn’t really all that great.
Other times though, the passion that first started as a little seed gets bigger, and bigger, and bigger. Like those dreams of being a wife and a mommy. Or those urges to be a writer.
Sometimes though, our dreams are dashed without our permission. Never finding that right guy, infertility, or rejection letter after rejection letter.
For me lately, it was the dream of having a blissful, last pregnancy. You see, for each of my pregnancys, there had been something that made it less than ideal.
With Karalynn, I was 18 years old and had NO clue what I was doing. I loved being pregnant and being a Mommy, but I was naive and clueless about many things.
Then baby Abigail, we miscarried very early. It broke my heart.
After that was Lacy, and during that pregnancy we lived in Memphis, far away from my family and during a time when my husband was working ridiculous hours. I felt like I was pregnant all by myself.
Then with Gabriella, the first 3 months we had 3 foster children in our home, who we loved VERY VERY much, but it was just a very stressful time. Then we had our renters move out of our house leaving us with rent AND a mortgage, I was in a small car accident, then I was in a BIG car accident (rear-ended and car totaled by a semi = horrible neck pain!), we had horrible issues buying a replacement car (long story), then I was in the hospital with gall stones which they couldn’t remove until baby was born, so I just had to suffer through it the rest of my pregnancy.
On top of that, my postpartum baby blues with Gabby were borderline postpartum depression and lasted over a year. It was just a trying time for us.
But when we decided that the time was right for baby number 4, to be our last, I was excited. We were close to family, we were debt free except for our house so financially were better off than we had ever been, and it just feel like a really good time to round out our family. I remember telling my husband that I was so looking forward to just enjoying my time with baby in my belly, regardless of all the pain/discomfort that is associated with pregnancy. I was giddy about it, to be honest.
Then came the first 12 weeks. I didn’t throw up, but I felt very sick all the time. I could handle that though. All was well. The next 10 weeks or so was filled with exhaustion. I kid you not, I would come home and go to sleep for the night at 7:30. NOT good when you are home alone with 3 kids you’re supposed to be taking care of! I felt horrible guilt, which made me cranky, and I cried a lot. Still do, but that’s a whole other subject, ha!
But that was okay. It was normal pregnancy stuff and it would pass. Then came the news that something might not right with baby’s heart, and then horrible news that something was very very wrong with her heart.
UGH. My picture perfect last pregnancy was RUINED. My last few months would be filled with a zillion doctor’s appointments, I had to go through an evil amnio (I have a dreadful fear of needles) and I pictured my first few months with baby as horrible: In the hospital, tubes, surgery. I’d miss out on all the little things with my baby like nursing her, mid-night feedings, rocking her at home, her first trip to church or shopping with everyone oohing and ahhing over how little bittie she is. To top it off, there is still a 20% chance that she’ll go home to be with Jesus in her first few months.
Then God pointed a finger at my belly and reminded me: It is not ruined. I still have a wonderful, sweet little baby girl inside my belly. She may have a heart that needs some attention, she might not have everything in the same timing as most baby’s, but she is OH MY GOODNESS special in Jesus’ eyes, and in MY eyes too. God does not make accidents. He does not slip up and go, “WHOOPS! Didn’t mean to do that!” God knows my heart’s desire and cares about it very much. NO matter what happens, God is sovereign.
He also knows who is the best mommy and daddy to take care of my Annabelle, and he chose to give her to Scott and I.
It may not be exactly as I planned. But God’s plans are so much higher than our plans, and so much bigger, and so much BETTER.
Never for a second do I regret conceiving my little Annabelle. Okay, I’ll admit, there are a few times I’ve wondered, “What if we’d decided to wait another 6 months…” but ya know what? We didn’t, and God knew we wouldn’t.
It would be like saying, “Oh, what if I’d have gone to Medical school…” It is highly possible you could have spent a million dollars on medical school expenses then flunked:-)
Or like that country song, “Sometimes God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers…” about a lost love in the past who turned out to be not so stellar (seriously, have you ever seen an old boyfriend or crush and though, WOW, THANK YOU GOD I dodged that one!) Although, I prefer to think of them as answered prayers, just with God smiling and shaking his head no, in an oh-so-loving way.
So no, our dreams don’t always come true or turn out like we planned. And, really? That’s okay. Life would be pretty boring if we preplanned it all and got exactly what asked for (so says the seat-of-the-pants writer!)
Anyone have a “dream” to share where God said no, and looking back, you wipe your forehead in relief? Or, maybe not relief, but in peace knowing that God knew best?