Yesterday we had our first appointment with my new OB. A wee bit frustrating that we have to switch since my doctor delivered Gabriella. It’s official I guess. Each of my babies will have had a different doctor deliver them!

My regular OB only delivers at 2 specific hospitals in Nashville, and we have to deliver at Vanderbilt so the specialists and surgeons can take care of baby Annabelle immediately after birth. So, I am now seeing a high-risk OB at Vanderbilt. I’m sure it will be fine, it’s just a big shift this late in the game (32 weeks.)

We also got to tour the hospital to see labor and delivery, of course, as well as where Annabelle will be staying before and after surgery. Going into it, I was looking forward to it. Obviously I’m not excited about the prospect of Annabelle having to go through all that, but I needed to know what to expect and to grasp everything in my head. I kinda also thought that it would relieve some of my fears and make me feel better.

Realty check. I don’t feel any better. AT ALL!

I was okay in the NICU. It was sad, but you couldn’t see the babies well. Many of these babies were awaiting surgery so while they were hooked up to tubes, that was about it.

But then we visited the PCCU, and my heart about stopped. Little babies and some older kids were covered in tubes, sedated, strapped down, and completely viewable in their beds. There was only one baby who looked to be about 2 who was moving around.

All I could do was think of my little baby girl strapped to one of those beds, a large cut down her chest, and tubes attached to every limb. It was almost too much for me.

But at the same point and time, one of these days it’s going to need to sink into me that this is for real. That we’re really going to have to go through this. That my baby really is going to be one of those.

Please know that I haven’t given up my prayers. I still beseech God on my baby’s behalf everyday. But at some point I need to accept that God’s ways aren’t my ways, and his plans are much different than mine. (Krista’s paraphrase of Isaiah 55:8-9) I need to trust Him even with the hard stuff, even if he chooses to make Annabelle go through this.

There is something humbling about having to truly, 100% say to God, “Not my will, by thy will, be done.”

I’m thinking today that there are a lot of things we have to say this about. It’s hard to give up control, but a little easier when we realize that we really never had control in the first place. Sometimes it’s about a job, a health issue, our writing, parenting issues, or issues with our marriage.

Do you have trouble giving control to God and accepting His will? What have you successfully given over to Him lately?

I forgot to mention, I’m also blogging over at The Writers’ Alleys today about balancing life and writing: How to help your family not HATE your writing:-) This is a subject near and dear to my heart lately!


  1. My heart goes out to you right now. I know how hard this will be for you. Yes, I fought hard against GOd when my husband lost his job almost 3 years ago–have done a lot of crying and bargaining–the works, but he has been faithful to us and we are stil hear making it through each day. You will too:) Praying!

  2. Krista…my heart is heavy for you, girl. My prayers will be with you and Annabelle, just as they have been every morning when I write in my prayer journal. Know that people everywhere are lifting your family in prayer (isn't the internet amazing??)

    So…I've been contemplating emailing you about my cousin. Would you like to hear about her? She had three open-heart surgeries before she was two and is now 15 and one of the coolest girls I've ever met. I can send you a picture of her if you'd like. And tell you a little bit about her story. Let me know.

  3. Oh forgot one other thing! Per the ultrasound yesterday… baby is breech at the moment. She still has plenty of time to turn, but I'm REALLY nervous about it. Please pray that she turns back over… I DO NOT WANT A C-SECTION!!! Plus… at the moment she is kicking in some VERY HURTFUL places and it DOES NOT FEEL GOOD.

    Katie, I would love to hear about her! It DOES help to hear about kiddos who've made it through and are thriving well.

  4. Oh, sweetie! Praying for God's peace for you this morning. I can understand just a fraction of what you're going thru. My twins were born premie (31 weeks) and were in the NICU for a month. They were hooked up to all kinds of tubes and respirators. It was very scary and one of the hardest things I've lived through. But they made it thru it all and are now healthy 10 and a half year olds. I'm thankful for modern medical technology. It saved their lives and of course God has had his hand over them too. Just sharing this to encourage you and let you know that so much is possible now. Keep holding onto hope.

  5. Krista, it's such a blessing that you live close to a world-class medical facility with great doctors and nurses to care for you and Annabelle.

    God's light is going to shine bright through you and your husband as He walks you through this valley.

  6. Thanks Jody:-) It does help, and I appreciate each prayer!

    Erica, I AM blessed to live where we do! It wasn't too long ago that we would be going hours and hours away to deliver and care for baby, so to be within an hour of the hopsital is a HUGE help! And Vanderbilt no less… I am SO very thankful to all the doctors and staff, and that thankfulness will grow in the future I'm sure.

  7. A few things, KP…
    1) I know you're sad Dr. T. isn't delivering Annabelle, but it's going to be okay.
    2) It's Vanderbilt! Of course I haven't experienced the NICU or PCCU, but Parker has been in the hospital there after the tick bite. They are amazingly wonderful. If you need ANYTHING, just ask them, because they can probably hook you right up. (Example: Parker puked on my last clean clothes. They gave me laundry detergent, directed me to the parents' washer/dryer room, and gave me scrubs so I wouldn't have to wait for somebody to come from KY to bring me some!)
    3) Simon is breech too. I know you don't want a C-section, but if you have one, it'll be alright. I'm about to have #3. (That's more paid time off work too!) 🙂
    4) I'm so glad you're giving us baby updates. Jackson has named his favorite lamb stuffed animal Annabelle too, by the way. 😀 She has made an impression.

  8. Valerie:

    1.) Yes, I know. Still makes me sad.

    2.) Agreed… I couldn't ask to be in a better place!

    3.) My biggest concern is that I only have a few minutes to hold Annabelle until they wisk her away to hook her up to tubes and such. If I have a c-section, my few minutes will be zero, and that would break my heart.

    4.) SO SWEET!!! Seriously, this made me cry:-)

  9. I am keeping you in my prayers and have passed on the request to a dear friend of mine and on my blog last month.

    God will see you through!!

  10. If it makes you feel any better, I was one of those babies strapped down with tubes, and I don't remember it at all! And it didn't prevent bonding issues with my mother.

    I know you don't know me at all, but ever since I found your blog, I've been praying for you. I can't imagine what you are going through right now.

  11. I can really see how taking that tour through the hospital really made things real for you. I feel a deep empathy with you and hope you know you and your family are in my prayers.
    ~ Wendy

  12. Still thinking of and praying for you all. Rest up and have a good weekend.

    Really enjoyed your post at The Writers Alley:)tlit

  13. Thanks for the update so we can continue to pray. I'm praying you'll get to hold her before she's whisked away.

    Like Jody, I can relate a bit. I had a C-section with my third – who had breathing difficulties. I was left at one hospital while baby was transported to the NICU at another. Please know that holding a baby with tubes attached is just as special.

  14. Oh, Krista, I'm continuing to pray for you, your hubby and sweet Annabelle. My heart is heavy for you. I'm praying for your peace of mind as you face God's plan for your and your sweet baby. I think instead of struggling to give up control, we sometimes have to feel relief that we're not in control of something so difficult. I trust Him to deliver the good. It sounds like you are going to be at a wonderful hospital with all the modern medicine God can offer you at this time, so rest in that. He's on your side!!

  15. Heather, thank you!!!

    Candee.. please know I would GLADLY hold and snuggle with my baby that had tubes… I guess I need to clarify with the doctor because I thought I wasn't going to be allowed to hold her at all once they take her from me to the NICU. I know I can't hold her for quite some time after surgery, And seeing all the babies in the PCCU, I would be scared to death to do so even if they let me. Another question to put on my list for my next visit!

  16. Oh Krista, you are my hero. Seriously, seeing you struggle through this journey has been an inspiration to me. You are one strong lady.

    My first child was breech and we didn't know it until they were trying to put a monitor on his head and his little bum was so slippery they realized they were trying to hook the monitor to his skinny bum. I had to have a C-section. I survived. I will say that Annabelle can turn even in the last couple of weeks. That's what happened with mine. When I looked back on it, he turned in the middle of the night about 2 weeks before I delivered. I didn't realize it at the time…I just thought he was trying to stand up in the womb. (very painful!!!) So, there's hope that she will turn!!!!

    I'm praying hard for you and Annabelle. May God grant you peace and security as you continue to Trust.

    **I had to give up control 4 years ago when we started a church plant. Finances have always been my area of "control". I feared not having enough, but using up our savings, using up our retirement, and going into major debt while trying to keep the church afloat forced me to give it all to God. He led us to start the church and I had to trust that we would survive. The church closed, and we are still struggling financially. (about to lose the house if we can't get the bank to sign off on this short sale contract we have!!!) But, things could be worse. I've learned to trust that God knows. He is in control. He always has been and always will be. 🙂 LOVE YOU!!!!

  17. Hi Krista –

    We're praying for you and Annabelle.


  18. Arabella, wow, thank you SO much for your comment. I appreciate it more than I can tell you! SO glad you're doing well!! Thank you SO much for your prayers for my little Annabelle:-)

    And everyone else as well! I'm at a loss for words to express how appreciative I am.

  19. I'm sure not very successful at ceding control. Can't even think of any examples.

    Praying for you, though.

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